Joke of the day thread

Gumby · Post by **Gumby** » Tue Feb 08, 2005 3:28 pm

I think the title is self explainatory so here's mine

A pirate walks into a bar and has a steering wheel stuffed down the front of his pants. The bartender says "hey buddy do you know you've got a steering wheel in your pants?"
The pirate responds "yarrr it's driving me nuts!"

chew · Post by **chew** » Tue Feb 08, 2005 4:22 pm

Gumby wrote:I think the title is self explainatory so here's mine

A pirate walks into a bar and has a steering wheel stuffed down the front of his pants. The bartender says "hey buddy do you know you've got a steering wheel in your pants?"
The pirate responds "yarrr it's driving me nuts!"

it's:
"y'ar! they've been drivn' me nuts all day"

chocobojoe · Post by **chocobojoe** » Tue Feb 08, 2005 6:06 pm

chew wrote:"y'ar! they've been drivn' me nuts all day"

Actually that makes no grammatical sense to the joke Gumby posted. His punchline was fine.

And nobody is going to adhere to a one joke/day quota so couldn't this thread be titled something more like "Joke of the moment" or "Funny jokes" or something? Sorry, I complain a lot

God Of Rock · Post by **God Of Rock** » Wed Feb 09, 2005 12:48 am

How was copper wire invented?

A: Two Jews fighting over a penny.

Gumby · Post by **Gumby** » Wed Feb 09, 2005 11:48 am

did you ever hear the one about the cannibal who dumped his girlfriend?

...Think about it.

andyisntemo · Post by **andyisntemo** » Tue Feb 15, 2005 11:33 pm

what do you call a nation with pink cars and a lot of flowers?

...

*blink*

...

A PINK CARNATION!

Oh. Haha. Gets me every time.

andyisntemo · Post by **andyisntemo** » Tue Feb 15, 2005 11:35 pm

OrangeLounger wrote:
chew wrote:"y'ar! they've been drivn' me nuts all day"
Actually that makes no grammatical sense to the joke Gumby posted. His punchline was fine.

And nobody is going to adhere to a one joke/day quota so couldn't this thread be titled something more like "Joke of the moment" or "Funny jokes" or something? Sorry, I complain a lot

Hmm...not exactly. If everybody decides to have a joke of a day, then they post their joke that they chose, then it's a thread for everybody's seperate jokes of the day, instead of just one joke of the day for the entire forum.
Ah how I love rebuttles.

ONLY LOVE! ^_^ <3

Grubb · Post by **Grubb** » Tue Feb 15, 2005 11:50 pm

What does Puff Daddy use to clean his clothes?

...

BLEE-OTCH!

letshavetea · Post by **letshavetea** » Wed Feb 16, 2005 11:07 am

so... there were this married couple and they decided to have a child... so they did.. but when he came out he was just a cranium... nothing more.. he was in perfect health and everything... just didnt have a body.. so after a few years they wanted him to get an education... but they were afraid of sending him to school because they were afraid of him being made fun of... or being a kickball or something... so they homeschooled him.. and that went all fine and stuff untill he finnally turned 21.. and his dad was like "alright... i cant stand being ashamed of my son anylonger im taking him to the bar so he can be a real man" so the dad grabbed his bowling ball bag and put his son inside it... when they got to the bar he set the bag on the table, unzipped it and pulled out his son. and he said to the bartender "hey ill have 2 beers"... so he drank his and he poured one down his son's throat... and all of a sudden a body came shooting out of the neckhole on the body and the son was all happy and he was like "hey dad look i have a body!"... and his dad was excited so he got him another beer and the son drank it... and some arms shot out of the arm holes on the son... "hey dad look i can drink my own beer now!" the father was like "hey here son drink another!" so he did and he got legs.. and he started dancing all around the room with his dad... and then his dad handed him another beer and he was like "here you go son.... im proud of you".... so he drank it and died instantly

moral of the story... quit while your ahead

haha a-head get it?

Gumby · Post by **Gumby** » Wed Feb 16, 2005 11:23 am

A nun goes to confession and says "father forgive me for i have sinned this past weekend. I used foul language."

The priest says to the nun "well explain to me what happened my child."

The nun explains "well father i was on a golfing outing and had been under par all day. I was on the 18th hole and I had a good drive, but unfortunately the ball struck a power line and dropped only 100 feet from the tee."

"and this drove you to swear my child?" asked the father.

"well no, then a squirrel came out and picked up the ball and ran away with it."

"ahhh and at this point you were so flustered that you swore?"

"well not quite, then an eagle swooped down and plucked the squirrel holding my ball and flew off with it."

"I see. So this is what made you curse then?"

"Not even then Father. Then the squirrel in the eagles talons dropped the ball and it landed on the green about 2 feet from the hole"

... the priest was silent for a minute then says "You missed the fucking putt didn't you?"

letshavetea · Post by **letshavetea** » Wed Feb 16, 2005 11:53 am

It was a nice Sunday morning, and the weather was warm, there was almost no wind, just an extremely beautiful day. So the priest of this church decided that he wanted to go golfing instead of going to church. So he called in sick and he got someone to fill in for him and all that, and he set out to go golfing. Well god was watching him and he was standing there with Moses, and Moses was like "Hey God, umm isnt the Father saposed to go to church?" and God just watched the man golf... and on the first hole the Father starts to swing, and Moses was like "Arent you going to stop him?!" and God just watched him play. Well the Father hit the ball and it started going to the left twards the trees when the ball just shot straight up, and landed in the hole. Moses was like "Why did you do that for him?" and so God said "This hole is a par 4.... nobody ever gets a hole in 1 on a par 4." Moses was like "Exactly!! so why did you help him?" God said "Who is he gunna tell?"

andyisntemo · Post by **andyisntemo** » Wed Feb 16, 2005 9:30 pm

letshavetea wrote:so... there were this married couple and they decided to have a child... so they did.. but when he came out he was just a cranium... nothing more.. he was in perfect health and everything... just didnt have a body.. so after a few years they wanted him to get an education... but they were afraid of sending him to school because they were afraid of him being made fun of... or being a kickball or something... so they homeschooled him.. and that went all fine and stuff untill he finnally turned 21.. and his dad was like "alright... i cant stand being ashamed of my son anylonger im taking him to the bar so he can be a real man" so the dad grabbed his bowling ball bag and put his son inside it... when they got to the bar he set the bag on the table, unzipped it and pulled out his son. and he said to the bartender "hey ill have 2 beers"... so he drank his and he poured one down his son's throat... and all of a sudden a body came shooting out of the neckhole on the body and the son was all happy and he was like "hey dad look i have a body!"... and his dad was excited so he got him another beer and the son drank it... and some arms shot out of the arm holes on the son... "hey dad look i can drink my own beer now!" the father was like "hey here son drink another!" so he did and he got legs.. and he started dancing all around the room with his dad... and then his dad handed him another beer and he was like "here you go son.... im proud of you".... so he drank it and died instantly

moral of the story... quit while your ahead

haha a-head get it?

that is one of the funniest things i have ever read. you are truly an inspiration to us all.

letshavetea · Post by **letshavetea** » Thu Feb 17, 2005 8:36 pm

haha thank you.. actually my english teacher tells us a joke like every day... he is awesome

we never get anything done in that class... he just tells us jokes and then we trail off about something or another.... like today he told us how in New England people suck at driving... have no teeth... and girls pee outside.... lol

anyways... this joke kinda needs some visuals... so with my 1337 skills at drawing (in mspaint) here is my visuals...

alright so this guy up in canada went hunting.... and these people in canada dont hunt like normal people... they bring a gun... AND a chainsaw... (for some reason..) well see this guy was out all day and he didnt find anything... so he was getting kinda annoyed... then he saw this squirrel standing next to a log...

and then the squirrel ran into the log..... and the guy thought it would be kinda unsporty to just shoot down the end of the log... so he pulled out his chainsaw and make a mark in it.....

he made a cut and still couldnt see the squirrel... so he cut again

but he still couldnt see him... so again he cuts

and he cuts again... just for good measure

.... and he still couldnt see the squirrel so he looked down the log and the squirrel was gone... where did he go? *look at the last pic of the log for the answer*

if you didnt read it right... he went to OHIO

thats so bad.....

CaseyDidder · Post by **CaseyDidder** » Thu Feb 17, 2005 8:46 pm

So a plane is on its way to Florida but is overcrowded. The pilot gets on the intercom and announces "We need some noble people to jump out the plane to save the lives of the rest of us, its better to lose 5 than 100. Only fair way to do it is to start at the beginning of the alphabet." The crowd is confused, wondering if he is going by first or last names. Well he begins..

Will all AFRICAN AMERICANS jump off the plane?

no one jumps...

Will all BLACK people jump off the plane...?

nobody jumps....

Will all Colored people jump off the plane......?

silence...

Will all Dark Skinned people jump off the plane.......?

STILL nobody moves. Well a black man with his little black son are sitting there trying to hide. The black boy tugs his daddy's shirt and says, "Daddy, aren't we african, black, colored, dark skinned people?" The dad looks at his son and goes:

"No son, today we are Niggers"

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH my fav joke.

letshavetea · Post by **letshavetea** » Fri Feb 18, 2005 7:39 am

So Jesus, Moses, and this old man went golfing... and they went up to their first hole and Jesus goes first... He hits his ball too the right too far, and it was heading right twards the water-trap, and it went down to the water and just rolled right across the water and landed up on the green.

Then it was Moses'es turn... so he hit his ball and it went straight twards the same watertrap but when his got near the water the water parted and rolled across the bottom of the lake and landed up on the green closer to the hole than Jesus's ball was

So then it was the old man's turn to go... and when he hit the ball it went straight twards the watertrap too and it just went right in to the water. Moses looks at Jesus and is like "What was that?!" but then there was this frog who jumped out of the pond with the old man's golfball in his mouth and he started hoppin around when this huge bird picked up the frog. The bird carried the frog all the way to the green and the frog dropped the ball right in the hole.

Moses looks at Jesus again and says "I hate it when we play with your Dad"

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