Joke of the day thread

[Gumby]

On a transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The
turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is
struck
by lightning. One woman in particular loses it.

Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to
die," she wails. Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my
last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there anyone on this plane who
can make me feel like a WOMAN?"

For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril.
They all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.

Then a man from Texas stands up in the rear of the plane. He is handsome:
tall, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes. He starts to walk
slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt.

One button at a time.........

No one moves.................

He removes his shirt......

Muscles ripple across his chest.

She gasps................

He whispers,.................

"Iron this -- and then get me a beer."

[Original Sin]

Mua ha ha. Wow.

[dancing queen iu]

BUMP

omg

why don't mexican men like blowjobs?


...


mexicans don't like any kind of jobs! AHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA



wow, white rich canadians with good skin are so awesome.

[hascoolnickname]

but racists aren't

[Spazz]

but racists aren't

STFU plz.


Oh. A car full of black people, hispanics, and jews runs off of a cliff. Who wins?

Society.

[Pheadra]

but racists aren't

STFU plz.


Oh. A car full of black people, hispanics, and jews runs off of a cliff. Who wins?

Society.

Its almost scary how racist you are... <3

[SoDeepPolaris]

I'm only racist in my jokes because I find stereotypes funny, I'm not racist in real life.

What's the most confusing day in Harlem?
Answer: Father's Day!

[seveneleven]

Two men go fishing in a dam.
They catch more fish than you can imagine.
They then eat some of the fish and realize HEY!! this fish is really good!!! So the next day they go to the fish market and peddle there fish.
The owner of the market calls the goods Dam fish....
Later that day a priest walks by the display and is intrigued and buys some for dinner the next day........
He gets home and asks his wife "Honey, cook this dam fish for dinner."
She being a very religous person about has a heart attack!
"WHAT DID YOU SAY?!?!?!?!"
"No, you misunder stood." He shows her the receiet and she calms down and laughs it off....
The next day at dinner the whole familys there the priest, his wife and their son.....
The priest politely asks his son"Plz pass the dam fish son"
his son replies "Thats the spirit dad! Pass the FU**ING potatoes!"

[hascoolnickname]

after living in a remote area for his whole life, an old man decides to take a trip into the city. He stops in a store, finds a mirror, and looks in it. Not knowing what it was he says "Gee whiz! Here's a picture of my pa!" He buys the "picture" and takes it back home with him, only to remember that his wife hates his father. He decides to hang it out back in the barn, which he begins to visit more and more often. His wife began to get suspicious of him, and when he leaves one day sneaks out to the barn herself. As she looked into the glass she raged, "So that's the ugly bitch he's been runnin around with!!!"

[Spazz]

after living in a remote area for his whole life, an old man decides to take a trip into the city. He stops in a store, finds a mirror, and looks in it. Not knowing what it was he says "Gee whiz! Here's a picture of my pa!" He buys the "picture" and takes it back home with him, only to remember that his wife hates his father. He decides to hang it out back in the barn, which he begins to visit more and more often. His wife began to get suspicious of him, and when he leaves one day sneaks out to the barn herself. As she looked into the glass she raged, "So that's the ugly bitch he's been runnin around with!!!"

People that make fun on inbred/poor/ignorant/people from Indiana aren't funny.


Two couples were playing poker one evening. John accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Bill's wife Sue wasn't wearing any underwear beneath her dress! Shocked by this, John, upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.

Later, he went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bill's wife followed and asked, "Did you see anything that you liked under there?"

Surprised by her boldness, John courageously admitted that, well indeed he did. She said, "Well, you can have it, but it will cost you $500."

After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, he confirmed that he's interested. She tells him that since her husband Bill works Friday afternoons and John doesn't, John should be at her house around 2 PM Friday afternoon.

When Friday rolled around, he showed up at Bill's house at 2 PM sharp and after paying Sue the agreed sum of $500 they went to the bedroom and closed their transaction, as agreed. He quickly dressed and left.

As usual, Bill came home from work at 6 p.m. and upon entering the house, asked his wife abruptly. "Did John come by the house this afternoon?" With a lump in her throat Sue answered "Why, yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon."

Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, "And did he give you $500?"
In terror she assumed that somehow he had found out and after mustering her best poker face, replied, "Well, yes, in fact he did give me $500!"

Bill, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying, "Good, I was hoping he did. John came by the office this morning and borrowed $500 from me. He promised me he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back."

[Crotis Jivefunk]

one of the worst jokes i've ever heard. it's supposed to take about a half hour to tell, with alot of pauses:



There was once a bum named Bob. He lived the alley behind the deli with a group of bums. Ever since he was a little kid, Bob wanted to go to the circus. He made a lot of poor choices in life, and never had the money to go. He decided he'd earn the money by doing odd jobs such as selling crack and whoring himself out. After a couple years, he has plenty of money to go to the circus, but the other bums take his money and he's left out in the cold. Bob decides he doesn't want to be a bum anymore, so he continues whoring himself out and selling drugs that he saves up enough money to go to business school.

After four years, Bob is no longer a bum, and is now a business man. He is able to pay his own way into the circus. It's more whimsical than anything he ever imagined. He loves the acrobats, the animals, and is most excited about the clown. He's loved clowns since before he screwed his life up as a young man. The clown needs a volunteer from the audience, which excites Bob. The spotlight shines on him, and the clown comes his way. Out of nowhere, the clown pulls out a pie and shoves it in Bob's face. The audience laughs because it's all in good fun, but Bob takes offense to it. He decides to get revenge on the clown by learning all his techniques and tricks.

Bob spends twenty years in clown college learning all the moves. He graduates first in his class and is the best clown that ever graduated from there. He then wants to learn how to insult people, so he spends a good fives years in Insulter School. After 25 years, the circus still annually comes to town and the clown has not yet retired.

Bob buys his ticket and waits until the finale. The clown needs a volunteer from the audience, so Bob volunteers. The clown pulls out his pie and shoves it in Bob's face. Before the audience can laugh and right as the pie hits his face, Bob pulls the clown by the tie, looks him in the eye and yells "FUCK YOU CLOWN!!"

[seveneleven]

Dont know if this really is a joke per-say but...eh



Yo so fat you fell in love and it BROKE!!!

[Green Tea]

I noticed there weren't any blonde jokes on here so I've got a semi-long one.

It is world war 2, and there are three women one blonde, one burnette, and the other a redhead, and they are running from german officers. They are desperatly looking for a place to hide and they see three potato sacks. They all get into them and stay motionless as the german officers arrive.

The head officer goes to the first poato sack, which the burnette is in, and kicks it. The burnette was a quick thinker and cleverly screamed out: "woof! woof!" The german officer got angered as to why a dog was in a potato sack, but moved to the second sack, which had the redhead in it.

He kicks the second sack, and the redhead playing on the ideas of the burnette quietly says: "meow" The german officer gets even angrier because there was only a cat in the potato sack.

Now the blonde, the whole time, was snickering because the other two had no chance... what would a dog and cat be doing in a potato sack?! so she had an idea. The officer approaches her sack and kicks it... the blonde triumphently says: "POOOTAAAATOOOO"



k it's an old one but I like it

[Mosh_Mosh_Revolution]

OH, that one's old. LoL.

At least you warned us.